My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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