yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
