between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
