I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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