Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
