I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You pole danced in your parka.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
