even my farts smell like vagina
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
