I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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