There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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