thus making me awesome and them whores
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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