I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize