and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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