I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
