she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
