who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
