Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
this just has baby written all over it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
