Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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