i jhust puked up my retainher.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
