Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
