No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
