Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
