dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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