Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I've blown a few things in my day
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I forget how to act sober
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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