the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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