Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize