my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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