thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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