Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
