Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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