marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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