Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
