I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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