what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
