Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
