upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
