I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
