idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
