How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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