What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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