I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
