You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
