Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
