mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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