Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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