hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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