Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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