if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My first STD was from a foam party
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
