You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
