i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
