Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
