I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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