you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
