I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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