when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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