just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
