I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
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