You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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