I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
