M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
