oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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