do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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