she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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